Late Night Hunting

I went downstairs for something to eat, later in the evening than I really should be eating. I remembered I'd put my leftover burrito from taco bell in the fridge, so i grabbed it.

As I'm digging in the fridge for a can of nonexistent beer, and settling for a coke, I see a palmetto bug, about the size of a pack of Juicy Fruit, hustling across the kitchen floor from the back porch.

So, in a fit of anger at the bug for feeling it could infiltrate my abode, i picked up a dry cleaners' laundry bag, and slammed in down on top of the bug, which was approximately the size of an grapefruit slice.

Of course, as this process always seems to go, I missed it the first time. Has anyone ever hit a bug the first try? I never have. Maybe I"m not Miyagi. Anyway, I slam my fists down again in the general direction the bug was headed.

Missed again. As he was about to disappear beneath a box under my kitchen desk, i give it one last good pound. I got him this time. I can tell from the crunching sounds and feel, like i crushed a taco shell containing two whole eggs. Also from the spray of sticky slime all across my face and arm.

I pause, like is my nature, and I assess this potentially vomit-inducing situation. I realize the slime is oddly colder than I would have guessed. And slightly... i don't know... chunkier? Gradually, and luckily quicker than the anger, came the realization...

I had squeezed the absolute, and almost literal, shit out of the burrito i was holding in my hand when i began the pest control onslaught and that it was the filling of the burrito, not the filling of of the roach the size of a shoe insole, that was across my face and arm.

I dare not tempt it with removing my tongue from my mouth to taste, so i slowly walk into the bathroom and look in the mirror. Surely enough, I had a refried handlebar moustache.

i cleaned myself up, and went back to the scene of the messy murder. Under the laundry bag was the complete contents of a roach the size of a matchbox car.

Relief never felt so good.